I Don’t Want To Be Crazy

“Shortly after heading off to college for my freshman year, I started having panic attacks. Only I didn’t know what I was feeling had a name. My first attacks were terrifying. They were scattered and seemingly without pattern. I didn’t know when they would hit. It was like a minefield.

It wasn’t long before the attacks picked up speed and I was having several a day. I often felt nervous, not in control of my body, and convinced that I was going to go crazy or die. As the frequency of the attacks increased, it became difficult to do normal things. And after each attack I would be devastated, exhausted, fearful, and really really sad.

It was textbook panic disorder. But I didn’t know that. I thought I had gone crazy and that all the things I hoped for in my life—that my parents hoped for—were gone.

There were ups and downs and A LOT of different medications during those years, but by about 2 years post graduation I was on a really good path. My anxiety was under control but… I was still living life as if I were having daily panic attacks.

I was still fearful and socially reluctant. I still left parties early. But those behaviors weren’t logical since I wasn’t having panic attacks anymore. But logic had nothing to do with it. All those years of panic were a trauma that my body and mind weren’t ready to let go of. I thought if I could remind myself how bad things were in college, I could convince myself how good my life was now.

So I took out my stacks of old journals from high school and college and started reading. I only had to read a few pages from those journals to see how bad things had been. The difference between “then” and “now” was stark. And to make an even deeper impression on myself and further the healing process, I decided to write my memoir. The journey to write this book began with the intention of healing myself, but as I filled page after page and wrote poem after poem, I knew this book could provide comfort to others. I knew I wasn’t alone in these feelings.”

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